psalm 71:14

Maybe it's because we are attempting "this baby thing" again...  Maybe it's because it's already been 6 months of "serious" trying, but really at least a year of WANTING it...  Maybe it's because I let a little bit of myself believe it'd be easier this time...

Maybe it's just because I'm a girl & all I want with my whole self is to make babies.

Maybe it's because I have faith that my God can do mighty things.

Maybe it's silly, or maybe it seems foolish.

But, whatever "it" is, I am really feeling sensitive lately.  I am missing Rowan & Levi bad.  Like in those first days after they left us missing them.   Sometimes I squeeze Noah so tight & just breath him in...I cannot get enough of that squishy, squirmy, boy smell.  I cannot hold him enough, kiss him enough, love him enough...to bring them back.  :/  Is it weird to even think that...I don't know.

I cry and cry at the thought that Noah may be my only living child.  I cry and cry at how selfish that is, and sounds... I know so many struggling still, wishing, hoping, praying...coveting what we have...longing for this piece of Heaven.  When will I stop wanting and taking & just be okay with what we have been given?

I have to admit I think part of the reason I want so much is because I feel that so much has been taken from us.  And it has, but I have to come to terms with the fact that NOTHING is owed.  And it's hard.

Been thinking...

I've had my boys on my mind a lot these past few weeks.  Like, first thing in the morning, all through the day (randomly) and in the busiest of times...  A feeling of needing them, so deeply.  A feeling that I'll admit I haven't felt in a long time...like maybe since Noah has been here (19 months).

So, here I am sitting at the computer thinking of them.  Missing them.  Looking at pictures & wishing for them.  Praying for us.  Praying for him.  For them.  And I stumbled on this...

It's perfect right.  It just sums it up...this feeling I've been having.  It is so hard, SO.VERY.HARD. to forget...to move one with life...to keep living...someone who gave you soooooooo much to remember.  I don't want to forget my boys.  I know that I wear them on my face, on my body, daily...but I just take it to mean...it's so hard to just keep going & living without someone (or someones) who gave you so much, meant EVERYTHING...  It is so. hard.

xo

Psalm 139

It has been 40 years since the earth shattering Roe v. Wade decision came down. My heart aches at one death of a baby, let alone billions...

I am going to share pictures of my first two children, Rowan & Levi Matthew. Rowan was miscarried at 13 weeks (this is a "common" time for abortion to take place) and Levi Matthew was born at 19 weeks (lived 1hr & 19min before passing away) - some women have abortions up to 24 weeks gestation!! I know of premie babies born at that time & surviving. 

I am just heart broken - so maybe this isn't making sense....but neither does abortion. 

I am sickened... 

So, you should read this, http://www.justfacts.com/abortion.asp and then maybe watch this video, http://vimeo.com/37025422 (it is exceptionally graphic & I was bawling my eyes out - it is about 1 min long). 

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:13-16).

International Wave of Light ‘Infant Loss Remembrance Day’

 

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. 

Every year on this date, millions of people observe this day by lighting a candle at 7pm.Will you join us in lighting a candle in remembrance of all babies gone too soon? If you have never been a victim of pregnancy, stillbirth or infant loss, light a candle in honor our sons, Rowan & Levi Matthew. Join us in the wave of light tonight.

We remember every moment of those days surrounding each of our losses.  We remember the sweet love & tremendous grief felt in those hours, days & months - the hope of a baby, the grief of burying a child and the peace only given by the Father.

We are still healing & sometimes we are still overtaken by the intense emotions that come from the death of a child.  We still walk with the limp & the scars of this horrific time...  Please say a prayer tonight for all those who are 'celebrating' this day with a flame of their own, and please consider lighting a candle tonight.

Glory Baby, Rowan, 08-17-09  ~A moment in our hands, forever in our hearts~

Rowan McCleskey

Levi Matthew McCleskey, hands & feet  LOVE

momma & Levi - moments after his birth! Praise God from whom all blessing flow!!

Levi Matthew resting in full peace

our boys.  love love love

The works of His hands are faithful & just.  And all his commandments are trustworthy. Ps 111:7

He keeps all promises...

Rowan, we remember

Three years my precious one.  Three agonizing, ridiculously long years without you.  How will I make it through to my old age and beyond without you?  I have your little brother here to hold & cuddle and squeeze extra tight each time I think of you...  But still I sense your absence.  You were the first.  You are loved and you are remembered.  You are my sweet love. 

I am thinking of you especially today as it has been 3 years since you flew off to be with Jesus.  Momma loves you sweet Rowan...always.

The feelings of the moment I saw you and felt your warmth in my hands - I cannot stop feeling them.  I thought they would lessen by now...and yet they are with me always, and in ways that I cannot explain.  You were so tiny and PERFECT!  Every part accounted for, and every piece of you amazingly put together.  Oh sweet angel love, you are a master piece.  

 I can't wait to hold your hand again!

The dry season

I have been wanting, like seriously longing, to write here for sometime.  But every time I open up a 'new post' ....bleeeeee

Nothing.  So, instead, I flip over & read other blogs.  Hoping & praying for inspiration.  And, still, nothing.  I am calling this my dry season. 

In truth, life is so sweet right now.  Life is so full right now.  I have so much to share and so many thoughts, but when I try to capture them & put them in one place....nothing.  :-) 

As we close in on 3 years since our Rowan left us I am feeling a million feelings and thinking as many thoughts....  But still, when I want to write I find nothing.  I am just going to take a blog break for a few weeks.  I am not going to visit this blog, or any others.  Maybe until Rowan's angelversary.  Not that you will notice...I haven't written in so long perhaps you all don't know that I am blog stalking you?!  :-) 

Cute Pics from Noah's birthday celebrations

That's right...celebrationS!!!

Month 12

My sweet boy.  Has it really been a year since you came to us?  It feels like just yesterday I was looking at your tiny blue, crying face.  And, now here we are.  You are one!  You are so smart and funny.  You are just like your daddy in so many ways. 

You are the center of attention most places that we go, and people cannot keep there hands off of you.  I think you are quite the little extrovert, as you seem to get so much energy from large groups of people...in this way you are just like me.  :-)

I love you so much.  I have loved watching you grow and learn this past year.  I look forward to helping shape  you into the amazing, warrior boy that you will surely become.

You are a sweet boy who loves to cuddle and laugh.  You love bath time, and being in the water in general.  You are a really fast crawler, and we are certain you will just get up and start running any day now!  You are so smart and in to everything.  I am constantly amazed by your curiosity and your energy.

You have my heart little man.  I love you so much and I am so happy to be your momma.  xoxox

2 years gone by

 Oh my sweet little Levi.  How has it already been two L O N G years since you came and went?  I am so grieved by your absence. 

 I miss you.  Each time I look at your little brother I miss you.  I grieve for the things you would be learning, for the pictures we don't have, the memories...the kisses & snuggles.  I wish I was filling this post with silly pictures of you destroying a cake...but I only have the same few pictures as last year...and the year before. 

Oh little boy, you have left such a  big hole in my heart.  You are a hero and you will never be forgotten.  Daddy & momma love you so very much.  We miss you every day.  

 

”For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” -Psalm 139: 13-16

 

“Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”

month 11

My sweet boy.  What is there to say about you that I haven't said a million times.  You are such a joy to me & dada!  We love you so much.

You laugh all the time, and you are so funny.  You try to make everyone laugh no matter where we are.  You love attention, having your picture taken & giving big kisses.  You are so fast at crawling that I wonder if you will ever decide to walk.

You LOVE animals.  It is adorable to watch you watching them, and then stalking them & then trying to pounce on them.  You are a mess!

I love to watch you learn new things.  You are so smart.  You watch everything that everyone around you is doing and you don't miss a thing!  I feel nervous that you will soon be much smarter than I am, and I only hope I can keep up!  You are a joy, a true treasure my son.

This month you started eating more food on your own.  Your favorites are bananas, nutragrain bars, mac-n-cheese and cheesy puff snack thingys.  You also really like ice cream!!

I have been busy planning your party next month, and we cannot wait to celebrate you and share you with all our family & friends.  You are a social little fella and you rarely meet a stranger.  I hope you always keep that quality, it reminds me of my grandaddy & I'd be honored if you grew to be a man like he was.

Noah, you are a sweet, sensitive, funny boy.  You have so much life ahead of you, and I hope that you grow strong both physically and in your relationships.  I look forward to sharing about the love of Jesus with you.  You are sure to be a warrior for the kingdom of God, and I cannot wait to watch you grow into the man that He has destined you to become.  Happy 11 months my boy.