Maybe it's because we are attempting "this baby thing" again... Maybe it's because it's already been 6 months of "serious" trying, but really at least a year of WANTING it... Maybe it's because I let a little bit of myself believe it'd be easier this time...
Maybe it's just because I'm a girl & all I want with my whole self is to make babies.
Maybe it's because I have faith that my God can do mighty things.
Maybe it's silly, or maybe it seems foolish.
But, whatever "it" is, I am really feeling sensitive lately. I am missing Rowan & Levi bad. Like in those first days after they left us missing them. Sometimes I squeeze Noah so tight & just breath him in...I cannot get enough of that squishy, squirmy, boy smell. I cannot hold him enough, kiss him enough, love him enough...to bring them back. :/ Is it weird to even think that...I don't know.
I cry and cry at the thought that Noah may be my only living child. I cry and cry at how selfish that is, and sounds... I know so many struggling still, wishing, hoping, praying...coveting what we have...longing for this piece of Heaven. When will I stop wanting and taking & just be okay with what we have been given?
I have to admit I think part of the reason I want so much is because I feel that so much has been taken from us. And it has, but I have to come to terms with the fact that NOTHING is owed. And it's hard.